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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24275128">what am I supposed to do? no way of knowing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepper_407/pseuds/pepper_407'>pepper_407</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Legacies (TV 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(most of it), Agender Character, Agender Landon Kirby, Asexual Character, Asexual Landon Kirby, Biromantic Landon Kirby, M/M, Multi, Other, Pre-Canon, biromantic character, there is a occasional mentions of ocs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:33:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,373</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24275128</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepper_407/pseuds/pepper_407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Landon thinks maybe they've got a handle on things, until the next thing comes along</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Landon Kirby &amp; Rafael Waithe, Landon Kirby/Hope Mikaelson, Landon Kirby/Hope Mikaelson/Rafael Waithe, Landon Kirby/Rafael Waithe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>what am I supposed to do? no way of knowing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first time using they/them pronouns for the protagonist so I really hope I didn't screw that up and I don't really remember Cassie's character from the episode she was in, nor do i remember if it was mentioned how her and Raf met, I treated her like an original character, sorry! Also, I tagged Landon/Rafael romantically as well as in a friendship way because both are heavily featured</p><p>the title is from dance music by the mountain goats which inspired a lot of this story</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The first time that Landon stole something they were seven years old, it was two minutes after meeting Raf, well more like, two minutes after seeing this glow of a boy, who couldn't have been that much older than Landon themself, float past them and put a chocolate bar in his pocket and then leave the corner store without paying. Landon had not come into the store to retrieve anything, they just wanted to look at the magazines and see what other people were buying -the people who had a way of paying for the treats that this store offered. Landon hadn’t known you could just not pay for things, not until this boy floated along that is. So not long after the glow had left the store Landon put the smallest possible candy bar in their pocket and left, they even waved to Julia, the fifteen year old who worked the counter most afternoons who had become quite fond of the child who would come in to look at the magazines with a kind of awe that she didn't really think the car and gossip magazines deserved. As soon as Landon had left the store they ran after the glow, who was turning a corner, they don't know what possessed them to do this, they weren’t usually one for confrontation, yet here they were so eager, so young, but not innocent, never innocent (but one could say, that they were more innocent at that moment than they were for the rest of their life).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They really needed to stop to catch their breath, even as a young kid, Landon had never really been one for exercise, and as luck would have it, the glow turned around and he didn’t have a smile, but more of a worried look, like this kid who was the same age as him but definitely smaller, was going to arrest him for stealing a chocolate bar. Landon could feel the moment slipping away so they mustered up all the courage they had and remembered how they sometimes saw adults on the television shake hands to introduce themselves, so they did just that and gave the boy (the glow) his full name, and all of his trust, forever.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>When Landon was ten they sat down with their best friend and told him that they weren’t a boy, they’re not a girl either they're something called agender and they have been like that since they were born, they shook the whole time and didn’t look Rafael in the eye until the end, Landon had memorised this speech and had even said the part about how they’ve kind of always referred to themselves with these gender-neutral pronouns and that they hadn't even realised other not so binary focused people also sometimes used them, it had just made sense to them.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>The thing was, Landon actually met Cassie first, it was their first day of high school and Rafael was home sick (home, meaning their latest group home and sick meaning vomiting non-stop), Landon genuinely tried to get sick, because even though they didn’t want to be vomiting or stuck in the group home all day, the idea of starting high school without the only person who had ever made Landon feel alright was a terrifying thought, they wanted to scratch their brains out just thinking about it. But the morning came and Rafael was still very sick, he wished Landon luck, told them just to shrink into the shadows if possible and kissed them on the cheek (Landon loved Rafael kissing them on the cheek, he wouldn't do it much anymore because he said that it was for children and super old people but if he knew it could be a bad day or if something especially shit had happened he would give Landon a kiss on the cheek and in that second it was like all was good in the world)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They met Cassie in first period, it was busy and loud and Landon thought they might be in hell, but there was a girl who sat beside them and had short green hair and as her ice breaker said that she knew how to breakdance, everyone laughed except for Landon, which formed a bond that only two outcasts that didn't give a shit they were outcasts could have.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Mario Kart was Landon's favourite video game, Rafael never really got it, he wanted to play the shooting ones, the ones with violence and teamwork, and didn't really get why Landon liked Mario Kart so much. They don’t think it's solely because that was the first video game they ever played but it was probably partly because of that, they also liked the solo-ness of it, the fun designs and characters that you got attached to, they also liked how it did require strategy and you needed to hone your skills but people didn't realise or expect that because it looked so harmless and childish from the outside but really if you dug deep it could be something real. Landon liked to think of themselves in the same fashion.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Landon wonders how long they had been in love with Rafael, they’ve only been mindful of it for about two hours, but they are aware that the feeling has been there for a fair amount of time. They don’t believe in love at first sight but maybe when they first saw a glow of a boy stealing from the convenience store Landon fell in love.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or maybe it was the summer they were ten and spent every weekend at the local pool teaching each other to swim because no one was going to do it and they knew they had to fend for themselves but at least they had each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Possibly it was last year, at the tenth grade dance when Cassie was dancing with her friends and pushed them together because “toxic masculinity is stupid, not that it really applies to you Landon, still, you two should just dance with each other” and they danced and it was a fast song but they both went to put their hands around each other and they looked into each other's eyes and Landon felt mesmerised and like they had never noticed how golden Raf’s eyes actually were.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe it was three months ago when Landon’s foster dad, Steve who was surprisingly pretty great (not long after he got arrested for selling drugs -he was still one the best foster parents Landon has ever had) let them get a tattoo for their birthday and didn't laugh when they told him that they were getting a chess piece because of a dream they had where they were stuck in a black pit with only a game of chess and a painting of a wolf -they had tried to get Rafael to get a wolf tattoo but he said even if his current foster parents would ever have allowed it that he’s not really a tattoo person but was quick to reassure Landon that he meant on himself and that Landon’s tattoo was going to look badass. That made Landon grin like an idiot and they saw Steve give them a curious glance like he is trying to figure something out, Landon guesses that maybe Seve realised they were in love with Rafael before Landon themself did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>it probably wasn’t one thing or one time that made Landon fall for Rafael, it was probably all of those times and more, and just the fact that Landon likes boys and that Raf had stuck around long enough, of course, he was in love with him, there was no one else for Landon to be in love with, but they hoped that even if there was someone else, that they would still be in love with Rafael, and honestly they don't see how they couldn't not be in love with him in any world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Landon figured out they were biromantic asexual when they realised they were in love with their best friend, they had always just figured they liked no one, it was like with their gender, it just wasn’t a problem, they had a best friend and Cassie, who was a great friend. They loved with all of their heart, so Landon had always thought it was probably best that romance wasn’t their thing, because they thought it would probably wreck them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And they were right</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The realisation did wreck them, they stayed in bed for three whole days when they figured it out and snapped at Rafael more times than they could count. But then they got over it. Or more like, they accepted it, so yeah, they’re in love with their best friend, the same best friend who they used to kiss for practice, the same best friend who had probably the coolest girlfriend ever, the same best friend who had told Landon that they’re bi three weeks ago and Cassie one week ago (who was, of course, cool with it because again, she’s awesome), the same best friend that they would never want to lose, the best friend which they had promised to ever keep any secrets from, which was now not true anymore, because they would never want to put Raf in a position like that, even if they were single and Landon thinks that he would be okay being with someone that probably doesn't want to have sex ever, there’s no way Landon would ever tell him, that's how you fuck up a friendship, they knew it, so they kept it hidden.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It was a known thing that Landon Kirby was not a boy, it was one of those secrets that weren't really secrets, they had told their class in fifth grade and because of the nature of the small town, they went to school with pretty much the same people for the rest of their (human) schooling years. It was one of these things that people didn't really </span>
  <em>
    <span>get</span>
  </em>
  <span> enough to make fun of them for it, it was just a </span>
  <em>
    <span>thing</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but also it was only known with the students and certain teachers, it wasn't some town-wide spectacle, it was treated just like a thing that was kind of weird but was just the truth, like when the class had to split up into girls and boys people looked at Landon and giggled and if it was Ms. Patterson's class then she would tell Landon that unless they wanted to be on their own team maybe they should pick whichever they felt most comfortable with, Landon loved Ms. Patterson.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Don’t get them wrong, people still got bullied for being ”acting” gay, this school was no haven for queer people, but Landon’s non-gender was more of a thing that was just there than something be bullied about. Landon got bullied because of their lack of parents, how long puberty took to kick in, their curly hair, their inability and disinterest in playing sports, they even had many gay (or gay adjacent because of their agender-ness) rumours because of their close friendship with Raf. But not their gender situation, they didn't even really get misgendered that often, at least not with anyone who knew them (once a new kid came to the school and was like “by they you mean that weird boy with the hair, that makes no sense” -Rafael said some very choice words to him that he may or may not have later used in a poem), Landon will forever have so many bad memories of Mystic Falls High, but among the bad ones, there were good things that they’ll always remember and be thankful for.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Landon had this crush on the girl who often came to The Grill just to get a milkshake, she was cute and witty and had the most beautiful smile they had ever seen. They hadn't told Rafael about her, they liked having this one thing all to themselves, not that Hope was a thing, she definitely wasn't but she was theirs, in the way that they always served her, and if they were working the counter she would sit there and talk with them, she goes to the private school that had a million rumours surrounding it but Landon could never care enough to ask about the truth of them, the two of them didn't talk about anything real and it was the highlight of those six months, until she stopped coming and they told Raf about this girl and how amazing she was, their best friend was awesome and bought them ice cream and they mourned over what Raf called “the closest my best friend has ever gotten to being dumped”, he said this liked Raf himself had ever been dumped, Cassie offered to set them up with one of her friends, but Landon didn't want that, they just thought it was since having a crush and they loved interacting with Hope. It also was nice having a crush on someone who wasn't their best friend, not that their crush (crush felt too futile of a word but they supposed it fit) on their best friend ever went away, but it was nice to have another one, one that didn’t have the potential to fuck up the best relationship in their life.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And then Rafael kills Cassie, it wasn't on purpose but Landon can't imagine the guilt he must be feeling, Raf gets into more and more trouble and Landon doesn't know how to help until Hope is back and taking them to a magic school, and it's like Hogwarts, and they’re in love with the idea and the feeling in the air and the girl, yes he's still in love with the boy, it's a problem but probably not as big of a problem as all the monsters trying to kill them, so they reckon they can probably try to figure the emotional stuff later on.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Two years later and they've graduated from the most insane high school ever, and they're living in their apartment that they share with Rafael and Hope. Landon’s lying, fully clothed, on their bed, with their boyfriend and girlfriend chatting about what they’re going to make for dinner, and yeah, they figured it out.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>comments mean the actual world to me</p></blockquote></div></div>
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